Get It, Readers?
Gotcha. Again.
Okay, people, let’s set the record straight. TERRY LEVINE WAS A JOKE! This should have been self-evident, as anybody’s who’s done more than look at the pictures knows that we at Outside Bozeman find the Levines of the world downright despicable and would never promote their cause. In fact, if some schmuck like that actually wrote us a letter, we’d flay him, Alexander Pope–style, in the hopes that he’d be shamed into immediate emigration back to whatever self-loving stone he crawled out from under in the first place. Granted, the hostile reaction of much of Bozeman’s populace was reassuring on one level—at least we’re not like those pathetically apathetic Coloradoans who’ve already let thousands of Levine-like bozos infiltrate their once-fine state—but still, how much more obvious could we have made our little parody? The byline read “Ivanna Havmor,” and the letter exploited just about every left-wing-yuppie stereotype in the book. Our fictitious author even decried fishing, while we had a fisherman on the cover and a feature story about fishing as the centerpiece of the issue. Fact is, we are hunters, fishermen, paddlers, and big-dog owners—the antithesis of everything Terry Levine and his ilk stand for. So make no mistake, ye fine citizens of Boz Angeles—we’re no traitors. And to make up for any emotional distress our satirical letter might have caused, we’ve secured a reponse from Gramps, our embittered old local who has a somewhat different perspective on things.
Dear Kooks,
Just as the rash on my weathered ass was beginning to heal, I stumbled onto another of your magazine’s ridiculous outbursts. The misfortune I am referring to, of course, is the “Up Front” letter published in your spring edition of Upside Down Bozeman. This letter brilliantly illustrates the metamorphosis of a California Beatnik into a full-blown Montana Pain in the Ass! These ignorant idiots should have been wiped out by the natural selection process two generations ago. Unfortunately, we’re too civilized to let nature take its course, paving the way for our country’s Rome-like destruction. Terry Levine and his ilk seem embarrassed to be human! They ignore their pure instinctual tendencies and flee self-righteously to their contrived “nature retreats,” meanwhile rejecting everything natural around them—like hunting and fishing, which humans have been doing since the dawn of time.
Like most true liberals, these wingnuts have no religious affiliation, and their lost and confused souls have run amok. They pinball insanely between worshipping themselves, worshipping the latest “spiritual” craze (i.e., yoga), and worshipping their childish ideals. If a subconscious spiritual crisis hits, they simply take up another obscure, worthless cause to “cleanse” themselves. This usually results in them attempting to save a few lab rats, which ironically serve society more than these pinko freaks ever will. These same anti-hunters probably feel it appropriate to tear a 2nd-trimester human off of its God-given life support system. As the old saying goes, “reason without passion is dull, but passion without reason is blind.”
Don't mess with Gramps
But you know what really pickles my cucumber? People like this Terry Levine bozo are the people we embrace in our society, as “enlightened, pacifistic” humans. Heaven forbid these knuckleheads get the chance to run our government, as we deal with the most important war in our history. The fact that you pansy-ass liberal “editors” printed Terry Levine’s letter proves that you’re made up of the same stuff as he is: buffalo dung! You’re tired of Lewis & Clark, but can’t get enough of the envirozealot posers taking over Montana? And you wonder why us old-timers get crotchety.
We as a country are running blind into a wall of determined evil—people who are willing to manipulate our blind spots without mercy. We need to take our state, and country, back from these liberal dipshits. And Outside Bozeman needs to take responsibility and do what’s right… for a change! If this is too much weight for your anemic, leftist, pencil-neck shoulders to bear, try packing an elk out of Gallatin Canyon and building up some muscle. If not, you will be hearing from me!
—Gramps
