Supreme Sendoffs

Everyone wants to leave a legacy in this world. Whether it’s volunteering to help the homeless, serving as a mentor to underprivileged youth, or inventing a novel water-filtration system that saves thousands of lives in third-world countries, it feels good to know that you’ll leave a lasting impact. But for those who lack the means to volunteer loads of time or the brains to create something new, there are other ways to imprint your name in the collective psyche—or at least the newspapers. Specifically, supreme sendoffs: interesting, exciting exits from life, all of which take place close to Bozeman, so you don’t have to drive far to die hard. Here’s a selection.

Solo ’Til the End
Nobody wants to die alone—except for climbers. Pick something hard; maybe even something that’s never been done, and start climbing. Leave the ropes and harnesses behind. It’s just you, the rock, and the ultimate test of your strength. After plummeting from 100 feet up, you’ll be talked about by stoners at Spire for years to come.

Leap of Faith
This one takes some timing, but if executed properly, you’re sure to be memorialized at the Yellowstone Park visitor’s center. Just before Old Faithful goes off, run up and drop into the geyser’s hole. Then, prepare to blown sky-high while tourists snap photos of the whole affair.

Daredevil Drop
The ultimate stunt: hop on a paddleboard—naked, of course—and float off the precipice of Yellowstone Falls. If you survive the upper falls, the lower falls will be sure to do you in. It’s nearly twice the height of Niagara.

Bridging the Gap
What’s it like in the afterlife, and how do you bridge the gap between life and death? Well, you’ll at least have plenty of time to think about it as you get sucked under Natural Bridge on the Boulder. Jump in, hold your breath, and enjoy the ride.

Back in Black
Remove the brakes from your mountain bike, then pack it to the top of Mount Blackmore. Give a hearty war-whoop as you point it down the back side. When you hit the cliffs, you’ll be at 50mph, easy; by the time your battered body comes to stop, you’ll be so far down that it would take a helicopter, horses, and a five-man SAR team three days to pick up all the pieces. So there you’ll stay, a part of the mountains, forever.

Clownin’ About
Let’s be honest: we all love a rodeo clown, and most of the time, he’s the only thing you’ll actually remember about the event. Think it’d be an easy job? Try it for yourself, but up the stakes by hopping over the fence at the Wolf & Grizzly Discovery Center. Visitors are sure to love the show, which can only end one way.

Montana Matador
Head to Gardiner and find a herd of roadside bison, then sidle up to the biggest, meanest bull in the bunch, and slap him on the ass. When he flips you into the air, get back on your feet, stagger over, and punch him in the nose. Repeat the assaults until the gorings finally take their toll, and you’ll expire amid the comforting sounds of camera shutters and gasping tourists.

Open Season
Ever wonder what it would be like to walk among the elk? Find out by donning an elk pelt and a small set of antlers on opening morning of general rifle season. It might be cat-and-mouse for a few days, but you’ll get smoked eventually. Cross your fingers that the hunter’s a good shot.

Run Forest, Run
Ultra-marathon running: the ultimate test of strength and endurance. Just you against the elements. Up the ante, though, by leaving behind the aid stations—and your clothes for that matter. Take off into the wilderness with nothing but the shoes on your feet, and run ’til you can’t no more.

Snake-Charmer
It’s catfish noodling but with rattlesnakes. Find a hole or rock crevice that contains a nest-full of baby rattlers, and shove your hand in to see who’s home. Bonus points if you can catch one on each finger.

Canine Seppuku
This one requires the patience of a monk and the discipline of a samurai. Smear yourself with elk blood and lay down in the middle of the Lamar Valley. When the wolves come, remain still and stoic as they savagely disembowel you. To avoid potential shame, have a friend hide in the woods with a sniper rifle, so he can finish you off should you lose your cool and cry out amid the excruciating rending of flesh.

Feel the Burn
When the wind picks up, head to the site of a recent wildfire and stroll amid the blackened trunks. It might take a while for the reaper’s sickle to swing just right, but eventually one of those 60-foot lodgepoles will land square on your head. Time to bid the world ta-ta—or rather, timber!

Altruism at the Finest
For ultimate fame and glory, hang-glide off Lone Peak with a drip torch, leaving a fiery path in your wake as you float over mansions, hotels, and golf courses. Circle the Yellowstone Club once or twice, and be sure to self-immolate before crash-landing in Town Center, lest you end up in prison for life.