Outdoor Abby, Part 2

couple camping

Mating season’s cast of characters.

Perhaps after Outdoor Abby’s first round of sagacious advice, you decided to dump your significant other and strike out in search of someone more your speed. But with so many types of outdoorsy folks in the Bozone, it can be tough to distinguish one Johnny or Jenny Bozeman from the next. As it turns out, you can learn a lot about someone based on the activities they enjoy—even so much as their romantic inclinations. You know... their intimate preferences. Here’s the insider scoop on snap judgements for speed dating, from our good friend Outdoor Abby.

“My baby” refers to the bike, not you.
They’re willing to use some electrical assistance.
More time and money is spent maintaining bikes than relationships.

Great with their hands.
They know lots of knots and how to use them.
Being up top is great… going down, not so much.

River Rats
Best foreplay—just look how long it takes to prepare for a quick float.
Expect the longest build-ups but the quickest climaxes.
Probably the drunkest on average, so be ready to party.

They always expect to get lucky.
Count on patience and attentiveness.
Alas, they’re still hung up on “the one that got away.”

Discussions of “tip, wet, blower, deep, face-shot,” have nothing to do with you.
Will skip any prior commitments for a powder day.
Love going down.

Always up for one more “lap.”
Overly concerned about the length of their sticks.
During intense moments, suffer from premature ejection.

Not afraid to get a little messy.
Hard to distinguish from a deranged serial killer, considering the blood-stained garage.
Like to play dress-up.

Hikers & Backpackers
Most capable of carrying their weight in a relationship.
In it for the long haul.
Feet-fetishers, beware.

They have the best endurance, hands-down.
Most emotional baggage.
Typically the healthiest (read: most boring) lifestyle.

Like to do things fast; known to spin out of control.
Prone to toxic emissions.
Rough play is the norm.