Outdoor Abby
Relationship advice for the Bozeman crowd.
Love is hard. With expectations, shortcomings, make-ups, and break-ups, it can be a vicious, relentless cycle. Throw some bikes, rafts, and ropes into the mix (climbing ropes, that is), and you’ll soon be taken to the edge. Out on the trail or water, you’re tired, hungry, and impatient. Back home, the tension from taking a wrong turn hangs in the air. It’s enough to drive the best of us to our worst.
Outdoor Abby is here to help. This saucy sister has seen and heard it all. Before your bickering turns into a full-on battle, let her offer you some guidance on a few common quarrels from around the Bozone.
Dear Outdoor Abby,
I started seeing this gal who seemed like a certified crusher chick at first. But now, whenever I bring her along on a badass bike ride, she falls behind. I feel like she’s holding me back. How can I get her up to speed?
Sincerely,
Sick of Not Sending
Dear Sick of Not Sending,
Take it down a notch, bucko. Instead of going for a Strava PR every outing, maybe just enjoy the time spent together. And I can’t help wondering, are you keeping up? In the bedroom, that is—if you’re quitting too soon, what’s her incentive to ride hard when the tables are turned?
Dear Outdoor Abby,
My husband and I are getting older and we don’t do things like we used to. Our once-burly trail runs have mellowed into easy jaunts close to town. I know, aging is natural, but I miss our epic outings. I still have it in me, but he seems to have given up—oftentimes, I can’t even get him off the couch. How can I re-light his fire?
Sincerely,
Down But Not Out
Dear Down But Not Out,
Worry not, your housebound hubby just needs the proper motivation. He’s gotten complacent, which happens to us all from time to time. But there’s an easy way out: join a gym and get personal training from a young, handsome trainer, a guy who looks like Chris Hemsworth. Tell your husband how much fun you’re having, how you never realized that indoor workouts could be so stimulating! Once he sees a few Instagram posts of you arm-in-arm with Thor, he’ll re-discover his passion for the trail in no time.
Dear Outdoor Abby,
My boyfriend and I have fun together outside, and I have no problem keeping up, regardless of the activity. But whenever he goes out with the guys instead of me, he talks about how epic it was, and I feel like I’m playing second fiddle. Is he going to leave me one of these times? How can I keep him from wandering away, into a full-time group bromance?
Sincerely,
Doe in the Headlights
Dear Doe in the Headlights,
It’s good for a man to get after it with the guys. Don’t forget, absence makes the heart grow fonder. And not just the heart—after his testosterone-charged outings with the guys, he’ll come back randy as a ruttin’ muley buck. For your part, find a group of gals to get after it with, and regale him with your own tales of adventure—he’ll be pleased as punch that his queen has her own crusher gang.
Dear Outdoor Abby,
Every time I go hiking with my fiancé, he berates me over the littlest things. You know, I didn’t tie my boots the right way, or I put the dog’s collar on backwards, or I parked too close to another car. What am I doing wrong? He acts like a douchebag, but I still love him.
Sincerely,
Dirty Doormat
Dear Dirty Doormat,
Sounds like you’ve got an insecure, stiff-necked man-child on your hands. The fact that you love him is a testament to your character—you put up with too much BS. Next time he upbraids you, throw your ring in the dirt and walk away. Don’t look back; you deserve a real man.
Dear Outdoor Abby,
When I first started seeing this gal, I knew she had it all. She’s fast, strong, and ruthlessly motivated. Initially I could hang, but now I’m getting dropped every time we run. I’m tired of eating dust, and she’s making me feel like I’m not good enough. How can I pick myself up?
Sincerely,
Slow & Unsteady
Dear Slow & Unsteady,
Sounds like you’ve never been with a woman who’s more athletic and fit than you. You know the saying: if you love her, let her go. If she keeps you in the rear-view mirror, she’s giving you a chance. If she speeds off to catch a faster guy—who isn’t hard to come by in this town—it wasn’t meant to be. Your ego will take a hit, but perhaps that’s exactly what you need.
Dear Outdoor Abby,
I love my girlfriend to death, and she’s a bonafide bone-crusher. She’ll always be my favorite adventure buddy, but lately she’s been chiding me whenever I go my own way. What gives? I’m just trying to live the good life.
Sincerely,
Viva la Vida
Dear Viva la Vida,
Sounds like she’s trying to cut you into a gelding. No bueno. Hang onto your balls and drop her like a bad habit. Run wild and live the good life, young stallion. You’ll have a new mare keeping pace before you know it.
Thanks for all the topical submissions, Bozeman! We hope this advice will strike a chord with many an outdoor-goer. For more sagacious guidance from Outdoor Abby, query your qualms to [email protected].
