The Rules

Nalgene on Car seat

So an hour ago you drank the 142-ounce BladderBuster from the gas station, and now, here you are, half an hour late to the wedding reception, sweating, squirming, and about to wet yourself while driving 75 miles an hour. That empty Nalgene rolling around the passenger floor is looking like your only option for some urinary relief.

But think of what your mother would say. And what if your emergency road-trip pee ends up in your lap, rather than in the bottle?

To avoid public humiliation, familial chastisements, and possible jail time for indecent exposure, follow these guidelines for sweet relief on the road. Because stopping to pee is admitting defeat.

Rule No. 1: You must be in a moving vehicle to justify peeing into a bottle. Or in a tent above 14,000 feet—at night, in the middle of winter. This is an exercise borne out of necessity, not entertainment. If you’ve got time to stop the car, do everyone a favor and beeline for a bush or tree.

Rule No. 2: You must hold your own bottle when peeing, even if you are driving. Passengers may hold the steering wheel if necessary, but no helping hands on the bottle. Seriously. Gross.

Rule No. 3: No peeing in the bottle when members of the opposite sex are present. Upon mutual consent, this rule may be waived for spouses (you stopped trying to impress them long ago, but Rule #2 still applies).

Rule No. 4: Bottles are for going #1 only. Enough said.

Rule No. 5: The bottle must be tightly sealed after use. Check for cracks in the lid beforehand. A single errant drip on the floorboards may be grounds for a loss of future bottle-peeing privileges.

Rule No. 6: Full bottles must be hidden until disposed of. No playing with, shaking, or rolling full bottles around. Exceptions include playing pranks on drunken friends, and, well, that’s pretty much it.

Rule No. 7: Gatorade bottles, mason jars, and juice bottles are acceptable receptacles. Milk jugs, Capri Sun containers, and Tupperware are not. If the bottle opening is smaller than a quarter, don’t even think about it. Pee ricochet is bad, bad, bad.

Rule No. 8: Do not empty the container and reuse it. We don't wanna hear about how urine is sterile—BPI (Been Peed In) bottles go in the dumpster, period. The only exception is, again, playing pranks on drunken friends.