Mountain Medicine

The healing power of nature. 

Summer is an exciting time in Bozeman—so much to do, so little time to pack it all in. At some point, we’ve all been guilty of denying our bodies the rest and recovery they need. To be frank, I almost never listen to my body—but I still profit from telling other people how to live their lives. Here at the King Clinic, my team and I have seen all kinds of scrapes, bumps, and bruises, and we’ve developed several unique, alternative, homeopathic techniques for curing all sorts of outdoor ailments. So if you’re sick of popping ibuprofen like Pez and getting pricked with monthly Cortisol shots, then take notes, Buster. Here’s a selection of our favorite remedies.

Tick Your Poison
This is a throwback to the medieval days of blood-letting sick patients with leeches. We’ve developed a more efficient technique using Rocky Mountain wood ticks. Stick ’em on—several dozen is best—and these little miracle creatures will self-select the most ideal spots from which to draw blood. Best of all, you don’t have to go out looking for any. Just wander off-trail up Storm Castle or take a nap under some junipers, and they’ll find you!

Suck It Up
While we might be old-fashioned, we don’t skimp out on the latest trends. For more localized treatment than what ticks can provide, we recommend placing glass cups filled with mosquitos on tender muscles. Their collective sucking action increases bloodflow and improves recovery speed by up to ten times. With all your willpower devoted to not scratching yourself, you’ll soon forget what part of you was aching in the first place.

Poking the Bare
Dry-needling seems to be all the rage these days, but the cost can be prohibitive. For a cheaper, more effective alternative, use porcupine quills to activate muscles deeper and more intensely than metal pins can achieve. It’s all-natural, so you don’t need to worry about sterilizing them beforehand; in fact, quills have natural antibiotic properties. Just be careful when extending your sore shoulder toward a pissed-off porcupine—you don’t want to get whacked in the face by mistake. (If you can’t find or sufficiently irritate a wild porcupine, prickly-pear needles will suffice.)

Gut Feeling
Kombucha and probiotics are helpful, but for the most part they’re overpriced and underwhelming. For something with a little more knock-down power, we recommend a daily bear-bile supplement. Not only will it improve gut health and eliminate gluten allergies (real or fake), but it can also help treat gallstones and improve liver function. Health secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has suggested that it could cure autism in young children.

Urge to Purge
A lot of folks worry about weight or body-dysmorphia issues. Although Ozempic is popular, we suggest a simpler, more natural alternative: water. Find a stagnant stream in the foothills with cattle grazing nearby, and fill a Nalgene with delicious, unfiltered, mucky water. Drink it down and let the little parasites do the rest. You’ll shed those extra pounds and look like an ’80’s rock star in no time.

Sap Waxing
Also regarding body image, commercially-available waxing treatments contain all kinds of chemicals that can disrupt the immune system. As an alternative, we suggest Brazilian, bikini, or full-body waxes (for swimmers) using sustainably-sourced whitebark pine sap. Not only are the trees native to Montana, but their sap also removes a thin layer of old, soiled skin for a smooth, clean look that lasts for months.

Natural Oiling & Tanning
For those already fit and lean, summer means showing off one’s beach-bod on the local rivers—and nothing makes your abs pop more than a sheen of oil and a hint of color. But similar to commercial waxes, drug-store oils and tanning agents contain harmful petroleum byproducts and distillates. Instead, try poison-ivy waxing (plants are available at a nearby boat ramp or trailhead—no prescription required) followed by a slather of mushed-up elk brains. The natives used to tan their hides with brains, and we’ve found it works equally as well on live flesh.

Fecal Facial
Once your body’s looking and feeling top-notch, it’s time to focus on the face. Mud masks are a proven treatment for wrinkles, acne, and dry, aged skin, but unless it’s actual mud from the banks of the Fountain of Youth, odds are it will over-exfoliate and cause itching. Try nourishing your pores with a more potent paste: bear scat. Find a fresh pile, smooth it over your skin, and allow the ursine emollient to take years off your appearance.

Free the Fascia
When you get a normal massage, the goal is to improve blood flow in your fascia—the thin, connective tissue that surrounds and supports muscles. Anyone can give a massage, but few can do it well, so amateurs often use commercially-produced muscle-scrapers. For better results at home, we suggest scraping with a deer scapula that’s been dried out for at least a year. For more holistic healing, pair the deer-bone massage with skunk aromatherapy to activate all the senses.

Call of the Wild
Though not exactly physical ailments, per se, timidity and insecurity can be seriously detrimental to all kinds of outdoor pursuits. To cure yourself, consider a blood transfusion from a wolverine. It might be an endangered species, but here at the King Clinic we have access to a supply of gulo blood you won’t find anywhere else. Where did we get it, you ask? As a wise man once said,  don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to.

Stayin’ Alive
These days, it seems as though everyone is suffering from some sort of mental health ailment—anxiety, ADHD, and depression being the most common. Thankfully, we’ve figured out how to knock out all three in one fell swoop. Simply jump in a river above the nearest Class III+ rapid (sans PFD) and let your natural survival instincts kick in. Your past fears will melt away, the surge of adrenaline will clear your mind, and you’ll never have been more grateful to be alive. Frequency of treatment depends on severity of condition, but most folks find two or three swims per month sufficient.

Joe King MD, PT, RD, LPC, SLP is a graduate of Harvard Medical School. He also maintains certifications in traditional Eastern medicine. In his free time, he enjoys trail running with his two cats, Cheech & Chong. Call 406-582-8068 to schedule a free consultation.