Peering into Bozeman’s crystal ball.
From Nostradamus to Miss Cleo, history is filled with clairvoyant exemplars. Nostradamus especially possessed a gift for prophecy, correctly predicting the French Revolution, Hitler’s rise, and the ascendancy of Hot Pockets as a culinary sensation for late-night drunks. Actually, check that; it was Miss Cleo who authored the Hot Pocket divination. But we digress. This year, we’ve decided to try our own hands at prophecy, offering our predictions for the months and years ahead in Bozeman.
2024
To preserve powder runs for locals, real-estate agents are mandated to tell new residents that the Baxter’s blinking light denotes free skiing at the Yellowstone Club.
The FAA temporarily shuts down the Bozeman airport after an Alaskan Airlines flight bound for Seattle aborts takeoff due to an abandoned electric scooter on the runway.
The Madison River becomes the first river to install a driftboat roundabout.
To assist recruitment and better represent the contemporary MSU crowd, Mount Baldy’s iconic M is replaced with a snowflake emoji.
With affordability in mind, the ski industry issues a “Not So Epic” pass for the 2024-25 season, good for Maverick Mountain, the Bear Paw Ski Bowl, and South Dakota’s Terry Peak.
Exasperated with yet another long wildfire season, Smokey Bear replaces the “Only you can prevent forest fires” slogan with “Don’t be an asshole.”
Wendy’s Bozeman franchise increases starting pay to $50/hr. plus a bonus of 5,000 Double Baconators.
The Armory Hotel in downtown Bozeman is converted to employee housing for the Yellowstone Club. Helicopter shuttles depart from the rooftop every morning at 7am sharp.
Brody Postoler completes first extreme snow-shoeing descent of Hyalite’s Genesis II.
Governor Gianforte publicly endorses hot-tub hunting and wins reelection by a landslide.
The Madison River becomes the first river to install a driftboat roundabout.
2034
Due to the prolonged drought, city officials initiate a seven-day waiting period on squirt-gun purchases.
Tires on fat-bikes get so wide that double-track trails become all the rage.
Due to climate change, Bozeman cars are seen sporting bumper stickers that read “Think Man-Made Snow.”
To the delight of bighorn-sheep hunters, Montana FWP adds a seven-week suffocate-with-a-bed-pillow season.
Big Sky Resort installs a restaurant, movie theater, and nightclub on top of Lone Peak.
To mitigate bike-lane traffic, Bozeman becomes the first city to offer an HOV bike lane exclusively for tandem bikes.
The Yellowstone Club becomes the first ski area to advertise man-made snow made from Voss bottled water.
Big Sky Resort installs a restaurant, movie theater, and nightclub on top of Lone Peak.
The Village Downtown sinks, creating a whirlpool that engulfs a portion of I-90. Residents can’t decide whether to mourn or celebrate, as a local developer’s conference was taking place inside one of the penthouses at the time of collapse.
Tesla replaces Toyota as Bozeman’s most popular vehicle make.
The size of Bridger Bowl’s parking lots exceeds its skiable acres.
Bozeman Democrats lobby to rename the town, due to its founder’s dubious moral character, particularly his habit of flirting with married women. The first proposed replacement, “West Slope,” is rejected due to geographic and topographical bias.
Bozeman property taxes exceed home values.
After 25 years of Republican control in the state legislature, all wolves have been eliminated from Montana. To appease constituents, the governor announces open season on all at-large dogs that resemble wolves.
After 25 years of Republican control in the state legislature, all convicted elk poachers are hanged from the neck until dead.
Elon Musk buys Montana FWP and implements a new rule requiring all hunting to be conducted with electric weapons.
The Gallatin River completely changes color due to the wastewater pollution in Big Sky. Boyne Resorts releases a statement telling people they’ve been “thinking green” this whole time.
Former Governor Greg Gianforte is exiled to New Jersey after shooting the state’s last remaining wild grizzly bear.
With all elk hunting reserved for those with a net worth of at least $50 million, elk meat begins being sold on the black market for $50/lb.
2044
The Big Sky Pit, a shallow sea containing effluent from the Yellowstone Club and Spanish Peaks, eclipses the Berkeley Pit as the largest Superfund site in Montana.
The Museum of the Rockies opens a new exhibit of Bozeman artifacts; the centerpiece is a refrigerated display holding the town’s last snowflake, which fell on the Baxter in mid-February of the pervious year.
First tail reported on a Big Sky resident. Locals point out that Derek, who worked at the Big Sky Pit, was always a little weird, though.
Big Sky installs a virtual-reality center at the base area. People fly in from across the country and pay $500 per hour to “ski.”
Bridger Bowl can’t afford virtual-reality equipment and becomes a four-season bike park.
Aqua cabras, securely established in the Missouri River watershed, replace trout as the state’s leading sport fish.
The Baxter’s flashing blue light now indicates a wait shorter than three hours at the DMV.
The Hyalite Canyon Homeowners Association secures a permit to blow up the Hyalite dam, citing “intolerable emotional distress” from the low flows on Hyalite Creek.
First tail reported on a Big Sky resident. Locals point out that Derek, who worked at the Big Sky Pit, was always a little weird, though.
The Town Formerly Known as Bozeman still lacks an official name, as local Democrats can’t think of anything that is not offensive in some way, shape, or form.
2054
The Gallatin River runs dry and is renamed Arroyo de Gallatinx.
The Yellowstone supervolcano erupts. The last sound heard from the Bozeman area is a loud, collective shout from somewhere south of Emigrant: “TOLD YOU SO!”
Stillsuits, designed to recycle a person’s sweat and urine, are issued to all Bozeman police officers, sanitation workers, and fishing guides.
A flock of Andean parakeets, following their new migratory route from Glacier to Yellowstone, land in the Big Sky Pit and are immediately overwhelmed by toxic methane.
After five of the seven signs of the apocalypse are observed, the Church Universal and Triumphant regains its former popularity.
The Murdochs purchase Outside Bozeman. Their first tabloid-like headline reads, “Radical Environmentalists Discovered Responsible for Reports of Spanish Peaks Owls Hooting ¡Quien!”
The Yellowstone supervolcano erupts. The last sound heard from the Bozeman area is a loud, collective shout from somewhere south of Emigrant: “TOLD YOU SO!”
