Talk Dirty to Me

An ambiguous riverfront conversation.

One sunny day during spring runoff, I was having lunch at the Storm Castle river access, when I overheard the most appalling conversation between two young people standing nearby. They looked a lot like you O/B folks—typical outdoorsy types, windburned cheeks, Patagonia everything—but the things coming out of their mouths! Well, I just about choked on my tuna fish.

At first, I couldn’t make heads or tails of what the couple was saying. But pretty soon, it started to sound like some kind of X-rated escapade. The girl leaned in, grinning, and said, “Yeah, you were nervous—everyone gets that way—but when it’s time to put in, it’s time to put in. If it happens again next time, I’m starting without you.”

The young man, nodding enthusiastically, added, “Yeah, but then I slipped into that hole and was tearing it up—doing freakin’ cartwheels in there!”

"I could tell you liked it because you almost missed the pull-out window."

I couldn’t help but look away. The man continued: “What a run we had! You didn’t think you could, but after a couple of minutes, you were squirting all over.”

At that, I nearly dropped my sandwich. I wasn’t sure I believed what I was hearing. Maybe they were messing with me, or maybe I was losing my mind. Either way, I had to keep listening.

The girl chimed in, “It was just boof stroke after boof stroke.”

The boy leaned back, sighing, “That one stretch always feels soooo good.”

I tried to think of any stretches that fit the description, but none came to mind—at least none you’d do in a yoga studio with other people watching. And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, it did.

The girl laughed and said, “I could tell you liked it because you almost missed the pull-out window. No one wants to see a wet exit right at the end.”

What kind of perverted exhibitionists are these kids? I thought to myself. They’re not even whispering! Do their parents know they’re out in public talking like this?

After hearing that kind of language, I’m afraid to take my grandkids to the river!

But then, the kicker. The girl casually added, “I know you were excited to get in there for round two, but try not to rip my skirt off next time.”

At that point, I almost fainted. I waffled between scolding them and quietly slipping back into my Subaru. But before I could decide, they packed up their gear and left. As I watched the van drive away, I noticed an Outside Bozeman sticker on the bumper.

So, I knew I had to write in with the story. After hearing that kind of language, I’m afraid to take my grandkids to the river! Maybe the O/B team knows something I don’t, or at the very least can help track down these deviants and tell them to watch their mouths, or at least check their volume. Because at the end of the day, we need to keep this place clean and welcoming for everyone.

Editor’s note: We were unable to locate the couple Joe King described, but please contact us at 582-8068 if you overhear other lewd conversations at a local boat ramp this spring.