Let’s Get Physical
The muscle-building magic of the magazine box.
These days, personal fitness is all the rage. The current health fixation and the burning desire to improve our physiques echoes the jogging craze of the 1980s. Perhaps it stems from a deep-seated insecurity, caused by the incessant social-media onslaught of better-looking people than ourselves. Maybe it’s a desperate attempt to offset the effects of our nation’s terrible food system. Or maybe it’s just because being out of shape sucks.
If you’re eager to firm up your frame but lack the funds and/or time, there’s another solution: Mag Box Fitness, brought to you by your friends at Outside Bozeman.
Regardless, getting fit ain’t easy—and it definitely ain’t cheap. Fueling your body with nutritious natural food is expensive enough. Factor in the cost of a gym membership and you may need to take out a second mortgage to support your health. Then you’ve got to make time to work out and get adequate sleep for proper recovery. Oof.
Fear not, fellow ambitious-but-thrifty Bozemanites. If you’re eager to firm up your frame but lack the funds and/or time, there’s another solution: Mag-Box Fitness, brought to you by your friends at Outside Bozeman.
The Background
“It was sort of serendipitous, you know?” our editor, Mike observes. “We created this ‘O/B Olympics’ whiteboard at the office to rank everyone’s physical aptitude. Nothing crazy, just how many consecutive push-ups and pull-ups you could do, and your best Ridge Run time. As the ‘voice of southwest Montana’s outdoor community,’ you’d think we’d put up some serious numbers. Turns out the whole staff is actually a bunch of pansy-asses, myself included. Shameful! Just as I was about to tank the project and give away the office pull-up bar, our distribution guy, Tim, walked in and banged out a set of 50, nonstop.”
We couldn’t believe what we were seeing. How’s he doing this? Is he juicing? Are his bones hollow like a bird? When the truth came out, we were shocked.
Everyone gathered behind him, and with each consecutive pull up, the room grew quieter. We couldn’t believe what we were seeing. How’s he doing this? Is he juicing? Are his bones hollow like a bird? When the truth came out, we were shocked. Turns out, all those months distributing magazines had gotten Tim unbelievably jacked.
“I was a competitive croquet player in high school, and my coach always told us to practice how you play,” Tim explains. “Now, I haven’t picked up a mallet in years, but his advice stuck with me. When I started doing distribution, I was in constant pain from lugging those heavy boxes around. I tried everything: cortisone shots, herbal tinctures, Asian massage, colonic hydrotherapy. Nothing helped, so one day I figured I’d start practicing the distribution sequence at home, before making my rounds for the week.”
With a box of magazines and an elevated surface to mimic our tallest racks, Tim got to work. “At first, I focused on basic movements, but soon I started implementing more advanced, complicated exercises into my regimen,” he says. “Romanian deadlifts, overhead presses, curls, even medicine-ball slams. I had never put on muscle this fast—not even when I made varsity croquet.”
It seemed counter-intuitive. How could something so simple have such a profound impact? Here’s a guy whose favorite pastimes are smoking cigarettes, eating cheeseburgers, and sitting in a kayak with a six-pack between his legs. But the proof was in the pudding: 50 pull-ups is some serious strength. So, given our paltry O/B Olympics scores, we agreed to try it for ourselves.
Sure enough, after only a few weeks, we’d put on enough muscle that it became noticeable. Friends and families wanted to know our secret—and we were happy to share. Hell, we had more magazines than we knew what to do with. So we handed out boxes of O/B with a sheet of basic exercises, and let them do the rest. Mag-Box Fitness was born.
The Evolution
As expected, our loved ones were elated with the results, and each week more of them swung by to sign up. But we noticed a problem: the boxes would degrade quickly, especially after ball slams, leaving a pile of magazines that needed to be placed in racks around town. Tim sat down to ponder the dilemma, and on his fifth pale ale came up with a solution. Enter phase two: cardio.
Hallelujah! We’d found the perfect hybrid fitness regimen, combining strength training, cardiovascular exercise, balance work, and load-bearing endurance. Aerobic and anaerobic all in one—and proven results all around.
Once the cardboard started breaking down, Tim provided instructions on where to drop the enclosed copies. Locations were determined using a sophisticated software algorithm that calculated the participants’ distance from the nearest empty rack. Then, they’d stuff the magazines in a backpack, run or bike to the distribution point, and fill the rack before rushing back to the office for a fresh box.
Hallelujah! We’d found the perfect hybrid fitness regimen, combining strength training, cardiovascular exercise, balance work, and load-bearing endurance. Aerobic and anaerobic all in one—and proven results all around. “Not only were my friends leaner, stronger, and getting laid more,” notes Tim, “but many of the racks around town were getting stocked every week.” He adds, with a twinkle in his eye, “Did you know that the number of boats on Yankee Jim really drops off on weekdays?”
The Program
Given our small staff, limited social circles, and proximity to excellent whitewater, Tim suggested that we expand our reach and recruit more “Children of the Cardboard.” And why not? Henceforth, no relationship to O/B staff is necessary; just come on down and grab a box. We do require proof of distribution upon cardboard collapse, before the box exchange takes place. As Reagan famously said, “Trust, but verify.”
Group sessions take place daily, in the back of the O/B office, and are coached by current managing editor and recent graduate of the Gallatin County court-ordered anger-management program, Carson Sprague, who now refuses to answer to anything other than “Coach.”
And for those who enjoy the intensity and camaraderie of group workouts, take it up a notch with Mag-Box Fitness Pro. That’s right, you can get ripped for a fraction of your former CrossFit membership fee. For a limited time, for just four easy payments of $39.99, you’ll receive tailored training from the masterminds behind Mag Box Fitness. Group sessions take place daily, in the back of the O/B office, and are coached by current managing editor and recent graduate of the Gallatin County court-ordered anger-management program, Carson Sprague, who now refuses to answer to anything other than “Coach.” So far, his take-no-prisoners approach has yielded incredible results, and according to him, his participants couldn’t be happier with his unorthodox methodology. “Ain’t nobody complained yet,” affirms Coach, fingering the signature Bowie knife he now wears on his belt.”
“The exercises are similar to the free program, but we’ve increased the intensity and placed particular emphasis on explosive power,” Coach explains. “We train until the wheels come off—or the tape on the boxes breaks—and then send the box-bearers sprinting to the nearest shop with an empty rack.” There have been a few injuries—one participant was hit by a truck while racing to the Town & Country on E. Main—but like any worthwhile endeavor, Mag-Box Fitness Pro comes with risks. As Coach puts it, “That’s just the price you pay for greatness.”
At the end of the day, Mag-Box Fitness is all about community. And tragic fate. “Sure, Carson lost his marbles,” notes Mike, “and Tim can barely crank out five pull-ups these days. But that’s just how the protein ball crumbles. More than anything, I’m just happy that folks are getting in shape and that Tim has more time to sell ads—or whatever it is he’s up to now that he doesn’t have to distribute magazines anymore. It takes a village, after all.”
For a leaner, stronger, sexier you, swing by the office and pick up a box, or sign up for our intensive program at outsidebozeman.com/distribution-assistance. Trust us, it’s the best workout around.
