Review: The Bad, the Worse, and the Absurd

Product-review rejects.

Here at O/B we receive countless new-product pitches, flowing like meltwater into our email inboxes from manufacturers and PR agencies across the country. Some of these products are cool. Some are not. And some make us scratch our heads and wonder, just who the hell is buying this stuff? Here's a rundown of some of the sillier items we've seen lately.

1. Campfire Defender. Still extinguishing your campfires with water and dirt? That's so 2016. Now, for a mere $250, you can add this 15-pound fire-killer to your camping kit, and spend the same amount of time "safely securing" the fire as you would snuffing it with soil. No more teaching your four-year-old son to pee on it, thus breaking a proud tradition going back to the very first family campfire, and the very first redneck moment.

                                                                                   "Campfire secure, now we can sleep easy."

2. Bike Balls. If you've always wanted a glowing scrotum dangling below your butt, you're in luck. You're also a freakin' weirdo. I mean, who bedecks a bike with a red-hot ballsack ripped from some poor alien's crotch? Or maybe these are just surplus props from the X-rated version of the movie E.T.? Either way, we don't get it.

                                 Who needs a glow-in-the-dark ballsack? Anyone... anyone?

3. Camera Lens Travel Mug. Kitschy meets confusing in this gift-catalog reject, presumably born from a vape session gone wrong. The only people that might want this are photographers, who would likely have real lenses lying around... that's a recipe for spilled coffee, damaged equipment, and anger-management counseling.

                                                                                                        Focus—this lens is steaming.

4. Schiller Water Bike. Need an excuse to wear spandex on the water? Take out a home-equity loan and buy one of these gigantic (and gigantically expensive) devices, then watch your reputation as a normal, reasonably intelligent person shrivel before your eyes. Keep an eye out for Schiller's next product: a street kayak with retractable wheels.

                                       It's summer—ride a normal bike, then swim.

5. The Belfie Stick. When this thing hit our inboxes, we had to take a vote: real or fake? Turns out, there are indeed people – infantile, narcissistic, no-life-havin' people – who are sick of all the shoulder-straining, neck-craning, phone-dropping inconvenience that comes with traditional butt-portraits. There has to be a better way! Well now there is. For a mere $80, you can comfortably, confidently take pictures of your own ass. Who says innovation is dead?

                            You got one of these? You're a jackass.