Bozeman winter astrology.
March 21 – April 20
The stars understand that you aren’t evil; you just want a closer look at the rare beast. Best, though, not to chase that wolverine with your snow machine. He will likely ambush you and take off your face.
April 21 – May 21
You didn’t listen when your dad suggested you major in chemistry, why listen when he tells you your snow tires will make it through another winter? Try to replace at least two of those banana skins.
May 21 – June 20
Spending more time with your children is a laudatory resolution, but they won’t love you any less if you rest your 40-something knees in the chalet while they ski moguls again and again and again.
June 21 – July 22
The stars observe that you vegged out weekends watching football while the creosote went on building up. That roaring you hear isn’t your neighbor’s restored ‘63 Chevy—that there’s a chimney fire, Ace.
July 23 – August 22
She telemarks like a Norse goddess and has memorized the Kama Sutra but check yourself before gushing your undying love. Jeff, Matt, and Jeremy all report that she dens up in November, flies free in May.
August 23 – September 22
Peppermint Schnapps in the ice-fishing hut is a family tradition, but restraint is advised. Hooking your niece, falling into the hole, or sitting on the woodstove could jeopardize your weekend.
September 23 – October 22
Saint Sebastian is commonly depicted shot up with arrows. And that’s what you’ll look like if you don’t wear your hunter orange during the late hunt in the Gallatin Valley Weapons Restriction Area.
October 23 – November 21
With a bun in the oven, it’s time you ceased competing with your college roommate. Take a pass when she claims that doing a doober is the best way to prepare for the Ridge. Someone sharp will need to perform CPR.
November 22 – December 21
The stars frown on your leaving Christmas lights strung up year-round. The weather has worn the wires bare, the gutters are full of leaves, and you’re about to meet a disgusted fire captain.
December 22 – January 19
Best not to argue with the large cross-country skier who asks you to keep your snowshoes off the groomed ski track. He’s right and behind his balaclava, a lot more pissed off than you realize.
January 20 - February 18
Ignore the investment advice you get from a fellow reveler during the Super Bowl at Buffalo Wild Wings. Either that, or make your peace with working your day job and evenings at Mickey D’s.
February 19 - March 20
Your F150 has four-wheel-drive and four humongous tires with knobs like knuckles but the stars still don’t believe you can outrun the highway patrol on snow-packed roads. They have radios, remember?