It's Snot Easy
If you said no, you’re a liar. Snot—the stuff of mucus and boogers, not the awful California punk band—is a fact of life in the winter. Here in Montana, where the air is colder than a day-old dumpling and drier than a popcorn fart, snot happens. It happens a lot
And just like bad luck, it’s not the snot that matters. It’s how you deal with it. Professionals employ a variety of tactics, including the pick, the pluck, the sleeve smear, the under-seat-deposit, and the stoplight index-finger rotobore. But the mark of a true pro is the snot rocket (also known in agrarian-insensitive circles as “farmer blow”). Fast, clean, and efficient, it expels snot with unmatched speed, precision, and spectator appeal. If it were a billiards move, it’d be a behind-the-back-wearing-tight-leather-pants-for the-win eight-ball shot. It’s that classy.
Performing a snot rocket isn’t as easy as it looks, however. There is a long line of failed snot rocketeers who wear their failures on their sleeve. They also wear them on their shoes, down their jackets, and sometimes in their hair. I know at least one person who was blinded during a failed snot rocket attempt.
But with the proper technique, rocketing is the best way to rid oneself of snot. Here’s how to rocket with the best of them*
1. Use a thumb or index finger to snugly seal one nostril. Just one. Or you’ll die.
2. Inhale sharply, as if you just heard that Kanye and Kim got engaged.
3. Shut your filthy mouth.
4. Aim. Do not aim at skiers below you on the chairlift, unless you’re a huge dick.
5. Blow all that sharply inhaled air out your snot-blocked nostril, being careful not to give yourself a brain aneurism.
6. Blow through the snot—commit to it. Make that snot regret taking refuge in your nostril.
7. Savor the sensation of nasal exfoliation.
8. After a successful rocket, there will be a small amount of residual snot remaining around the perimeter of your nostril—wipe it inconspicuously on the heel of your hand to save until you high-five a stranger in the bar later.
9. Congratulations! You just blew high-velocity snot out of your head like a human blowgun!
*Practice in an empty field, far from painted surfaces, live animals, or electronics. Wear something machine washable, tell someone where you are, and always use protection. All of it.