Guns 'N' Poses

Reimagining the calisthenics of hunting season.

As any serious hunter can attest, it takes discipline, stillness, and focus to stalk and kill an animal. In fact, for these reasons, historians believe that hunting co-evolved with traditional yoga at the birth of human civilization. But in the thousands of years since, the two pastimes have parted ways, to the detriment of both. A few yoga masters in Bozeman, however, are still practicing traditional methods, albeit with some modern updates. These gurus aim to awaken the varying energies within us, heighten our carnivorous consciousness, and make shooting an animal with a high-powered, long-range rifle just a tad more challenging. This is the ancient practice of guns ‘n’ poses—namaslay, my friends.

PREPARATORY POSTURES
These ancient postures prepare a bloodthirsty yogi for the hunt—both mentally and physically. Start with some sun salutations, incorporating a rifle or shotgun into the movements. Like an athlete before a big game, visualize the animals, the landscapes, and the scenes. Just remember: safety first. Don’t put a hole through the yogi next to you, or in your neighbor’s car if you’re doing these postures on the front lawn.

Fell Off A Cliff
Popular among those targeting high-alpine elk and mule deer, this pose prepares hunters for tumbles from steep cliffs. It’s best practiced daily.

1. Lie on your back in a sharp-graveled driveway with knees bent and feet flat on the ground. Gently roll your knees to your left while turning your head to your right with arms splayed out to either side so as to resemble a grossly distorted body after a 20-foot drop.

2. Once your right hip goes numb (usually after three breaths), reverse sides by rolling your knees to the right and turning your head to the left.3. For added effect, chant the mantra, “dom-mon-coo-coo-ca-choo.” Loose translation: “O primal being, architect of destiny, please tell me I didn’t leave the inReach in camp.”

Wounded Cow
To successfully hunt an animal, one must put oneself in the animal’s position. And what better way to do that than hobbling around like an elk with a bullet through her hind knee? For added authenticity, shoot yourself in the thigh with a .22 (avoid the femoral artery) before practicing this active pose.

1. Start on your hands and knees in a grassy field. Open your third-eye chakra.

2. Grab a nice bunch of grass or herbs in your mouth. Chew it, swallow it, then regurgitate it—being careful not to spit—and slowly chew it again.

3. If shooting yourself in the leg, now is the time to do so.

4. Crawl slowly on three legs, dragging a hind leg in the dirt. Alternate legs every few minutes.

Upwind Reverse Warrior
This pose strengthens the legs, making it great for hunters who should really be targeting less-pressured animals, farther from the road.

1. Starting in Warrior II pose, with the left knee bent, raise your left arm straight up as if flipping off the weather gods for suddenly changing the wind direction, placing you upwind of the white-tailed buck you’ve been stalking since dawn.

2. At the same time, lower your right hand and slide it down your right side as if desperately applying a second dose of deer urine to your ankle.

3. Hold the pose for five breaths as you channel manifestations of gratitude for the can of Dinty Moore Beef Stew that awaits back at camp.

Downward Poacher
This pose is all about stillness while hanging one’s head in existential guilt—ideal for the unethical hunter who hunts out of season and shoots from roadways.

1. Stand still with arms at your side. This is your “Who? Me?” innocent-bystander position.

2. Now drop down to your hands and knees, as if trying to escape the flashlight beam of a Montana game warden.

3. Take a deep inhalation and straighten your legs and hips to the sky so that your body is an inverted “V” as though you’re bent across the hood of an FWP vehicle, being read your rights.

4. Hold the position for five breaths, while gazing downward as if hiding your face from a news camera. Resist the urge to pistol-whip the game warden.

HUNTING POSTURES
Once warmed up, it’s time to take your newfound flexibility and intentionality afield. The following is a series of postures adapted into shooting positions. As with any form of yoga, it’s important to practice controlled breathing, but it’s especially important when animals’ lives—and your shaky chakras—are on the line. Fire only when steady.

Freehand Warrior III
Balance and breath are everything in this pose, which is great for when your only shot is through a small gap in the foliage. It’s hard to hold the rifle steady in this position, but it’s sure to impress even a Turkish Olympic shooter if done correctly.

1. Place the foot of your non-shooting side firmly on the ground, clear of any branches, rocks, or No Trespassing signs.

2. Keeping the leg straight, bend forward at the waist while shooting your arms out in front and your free leg behind, as if peering through a Subway display window trying to discern the freshness of the veggie offerings.

3. Aim the rifle, silently repeat, “I welcome the light as it welcomes me,” and shoot. Then shoot again, quickly, because odds are you missed the animal the first time.

Bent-Over Annie
Every hunter has found himself stuck, unable to move a muscle, as an animal has suddenly appeared behind him. Instead of spooking the beast, use this modified trick-shot technique from the Kama Sutra, popularized by frontier sharpshooter Annie Oakley.

1. Upon hearing branches break to your rear, slowly bend at the waist, while bringing the rifle in line with your legs.

2. Rotate the barrel through your legs and out the back. Pray to Vishnu to keep the blood from rushing to your head.

3. Stretch down as deeply as possible until your hammies have had quite enough.

4. Line up the sights, swallow once to eliminate any hiccups, and let the lead fly.

Duck Boat
Those stubborn enough to spend a winter day freezing in a duck boat must possess two attributes: foolishness and strength of will. This pose helps sharpen both. Not only do you look silly doing it, but it’s also a serious test of core muscle, and takes mental fortitude to hold for an extended period of time.

1. On the floor of a jon boat or canoe, lie flat your back, staring up at the sky, as if wondering if you missed the migration altogether.

2. Bring your legs up, keeping them together. For added difficulty, put on boot-foot waders.

3. Raise your hands and chest, turning your body into a “V”—the same shape as the waterfowl formations you still haven’t seen.

4. Once comfortable, hold a shotgun in your hands and use your feet to balance and aim the barrel at any incoming birds. Pinching the barrel between two toes offers increased stability.

Bird Dog
This essential pose is ideal for balancing your complementary yin and yang forces in such a way that your Springer Spaniel doesn’t think, “wait, is he mocking me?” If there is an actual dog along, make sure it’s clear from the line of fire, unless it barks or whines a lot, or weighs less than 20 pounds.

1. Carrying a lightweight shotgun, crawl on all fours, keeping eyes and ears peeled for birds.

2. Once a target is acquired, freeze immediately. Then, slowly, extend your shooting hand forward and the opposite leg backward, as if snagged on barbed wire.

3. Line up the shot and feel the burn in your shoulder and thigh.

4. Squeeze the trigger when the bird flies or you can no longer hold the pose. If the bird drops, howl like a wolf and lift your leg to pee on a nearby tree.

COOL-DOWN: VENISONYASA FLOW
To conclude the yoga-hunting session, take a few minutes to roll through a basic gun salutation. While best done with blood on your hands in a wild, remote setting—say, a cave buried deep in the Gallatin Range, awash with predatory energy and smoke—it can also be performed in any open meadow. Take in the surroundings and find yourself present and grounded, ready for good karma to come your way on the next yogunting session.

To schedule a lesson, call the yoga-hunting masters at 406-582-8068.