Cheeks Out

Uncovering the latest ski fashion.

On the mountain, like at the Oscars, people walk the white carpet in a plethora of styles intended to turn heads and designate their faction. The cliques include but are not limited to: the weekend warriors in head-to-toe Arc’teryx, the park rats with their oversized jackets and short poles, the ski chicks with their fuzzy helmet hoods and a couple loose hair strands, and the alpinists who will be rocking the shiny, state-of-the-art equipment for that season. Of all the looks, nothing says high fashion here in Montana more than the butt-flap, also known as the beaver tail.

So the legend goes, this keister curtain was invented in Whitefish by a ski patroller with a bitter bum, and no, we aren’t talking about his son who was kicked off the trust fund. Like many of us, this derriere extraordinaire often found himself with the uncomfortable feeling of his lower region being penetrated by the elements. Eureka! The last best fashion trend was born and quickly became the most iconic collision of fashion and function to hit the slopes since skiing in jeans.

The idea is this: since the snow in northwest Montana is so heavy and wet, folks might need some extra protection from the weather while sitting on chairlifts. After all, how are we supposed to enjoy a day of skiing with hindered hindquarters? Now, anyone can have their very own butt barrier. Many Montanans have watched this revolutionary and technically advanced piece of garb age with class since its genesis. Speaking of genesis, this pelvic drapage almost evokes another leafy drapery of biblical proportions. Maybe that is why it feels so natural to us. Anyway, it has since disseminated far and wide to many recreationalists in the Bozeman area, a majority of whom ski at the Yellowstone Club.

The next biggest breakthrough in ski wear, southwest style, is here: the assless flap.

The only complaint with the previous design is that it tends to protect the rear too well. In the drier parts of southwest Montana, it tends to keep more moisture in than out. On top of that, when the warmer spring months roll around, you’re left with two decisions: refuse to compromise on style and start sweating in your seat, or throw in the tail for the season. Well, we have good news for all you fanny fashionistas. The next biggest breakthrough in ski wear, southwest style, is here: the assless flap.

It’s exactly what it sounds like: the opposite of its full-fabric counterpart. On warmer days this winter, and especially when the temps start rising in the spring, unselfconscious skiers everywhere will wear their flaps with pride. And you should, too. Thanks to the added ventilation where the sun didn’t used to shine, you can feel like Marilyn Monroe walking over a subway grate while you’re ripping down the mountain. The proprietary synthetic-blend construction ensures these new flaps are flappier than ever. Plus, when you sit back on the lift, you get a brisk, refreshing rush from the seat to further contribute to its cooling capabilities. Old-timers won’t accuse you of being too cheeky, either; they’ve already picked up on the new trend. Octogenarian Lou Sass, a Bridger Bowl skier and flap devotee, had this to say about the product: “I assert, don’t harass or be crass, instead assist with passion to assure this asset becomes a classic.” The only people who don’t seem to be thrilled with the product are lift operators, who all too often have to mop up marks left on the chairs.

Though we hope for a cold winter, it’s never too early to start thinking about getting an assless flap for spring. And when the warmer months finally do come, know that the flap has you covered—or not, in this case. Grab yours today and join the ranks of the best, most fashionable, and coolest on the mountain.

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