Horoscopes for the fall season.
Aries: March 21 – April 20
A spike in the freezer is better than a Boone and Crocket trophy. Take that opening-day shot or make your peace with marmot (it tastes like chicken) on toast.
Taurus: April 21 – May 21
Do it yourself or take it to the shop, but after a summer rich in recreation you must see to your aging SUV’s maintenance. The cell service on Montana back roads will leave Siri snickering when you attempt to call for help.
Gemini: May 22 – June 20
Remain calm! Your burning desire to ski will not turn that early November skiff into 14 inches of powder, and a broken leg will leave you watching reruns of Downton Abby rather than spending the solstice at a Forest Service cabin.
Cancer: June 21 – July 22
Your elk is down and field dressed, but don’t lose focus. Your neighbor’s horse does not appreciate dragging your bull through the timber any more than you would, and will double-barrel you if he gets a chance.
Leo: July 23 – August 22
It’s not your tent, so don’t get grabby. Take it easy; let your bushcraft and knowledge of the autumn constellations do your wooing for you. Otherwise, risk spending a long night hiking out through four inches of wet snow.
Virgo: August 23 – September 22
Time to outgrow the macho attitude. Purchase that four-wheeler and give your 67-year-old body a break. Either that or face humiliation down to your long handles when your wife let’s slip that she rubs your skinny old legs with Ben Gay after every hunting trip.
Libra: September 23 – October 22
Although Obamacare is available and photographer Robert Capa said, “If your photographs aren’t good enough, you’re not close enough,” the stars recommend giving a wide berth to bison, moose, and especially sow grizzlies with cubs.
Scorpio: October 23 – November 21
After business slumps, a three-day float of an area river will do wonders for your self-esteem—but beware of your teenage son’s spirited casting. A woolly-worm earring and subsequent ER bill will have both your finances and dignity back in the crapper.
Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
Gathering firewood can be an ordeal. Or not. Try bringing your new squeeze, a picnic lunch, and a blanket. Remain open-minded. Sometimes less (firewood) is more. (Alcohol not recommended around chainsaws.)
Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
Likely a mediocre big-game year, but could be a breakout year for birds if you learn to be patient with your dog. Treat her like a partner and she’ll retrieve like a conveyor belt. Continue screaming at her and you’ll spend life as a soprano.
Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
Your wife will think your hunting-season beard is sexy and appreciate the meat you bring home, but keep your inner mountain man reined in. Bloody bootprints tracked across her beige carpet will have you sleeping in the camper until Christmas.
Pisces: February 19 – March 20
The stars forecast a 60% chance of successfully poaching a Turner buffalo, but the downside is bleak. Ted’s commitment to the planet does not extend to poachers and a past employee swears he saw human bones in Ted’s basement.