Dirty Bird
A turkey-day alternative
Thanksgiving harkens back to Indians forgiving Pilgrims over a feast of passenger pigeon and beans. Back then, ingredients were locally harvested and readily available. In this economy, though, if you can’t kill your own, it might just be tofurkey for you. As the cost of living continues to spike, Montanans are searching for budget hacks to preserve holiday traditions without paying through the nose.
That’s why the City of Boz Angeles and Montana Fresh Wildlife & Perks (FWP) are proud to announce a new magpie hunting season, open November 15–22. It offers an inexpensive, accessible, and sustainable approach to tradition. Black-billed magpie tags will be sold in pop-up vending machines around town for 25 cents each, with a limit of 10 tags per person.
“We want to keep Bozeman ‘The Most Livable Place,’” says city commissioner Poppie Caulk. “We’ve solved the affordable housing dilemma—thanks to our far-sighted, obsequious partnerships with out-of-state developers, there are dozens of available units for under two million dollars now. It’s time to make the same progress with food costs. This is just the first of many programs that will benefit hardworking Bozeman families.”
“Besides,” adds commissioner Johnson B. Little, “there are way too many of those birds flying around town. All that squawking! This program alleviates noise pollution while facilitating population control. It’s a win-win. Well, I guess the bird loses, so it’s more of a win-win-lose. Two out of three ain’t bad.”
FWP reminds new residents that magpies are free-range, hormone-free, non-GMO, locally sourced, cage-free, gluten-free, lactose-free, and almost certainly somewhat organic.
Discharging firearms is prohibited within city limits, so kill tactics include swerving, rock-chucking, and roadkill finders-keepers. Officials emphasize the importance of making it fun. Cyclists are encouraged to use long spears to emulate medieval jousting, or stout sticks if they prefer a more modern, baseball-style approach. Others pay holiday homage with an old Pilgrim trick: hiding in the grass near a dead gopher, ready to pounce upon the first magpie that lands.
FWP reminds new residents that magpies are free-range, hormone-free, non-GMO, locally sourced, cage-free, gluten-free, lactose-free, and almost certainly somewhat organic, depending on how many half-eaten burritos and discarded French fries they scavenge in area parking lots.
Most importantly, “There’s an innate flavor that only backyard birds bring to the table,” explains local chef Eaton Avions, while slowly running a wing under his nose. “It tastes like Big Sky.”
The average magpie contains nearly four adult-sized bites of meat. Hence, this family-style recipe is designed for a family of four, and may include one set of elderly, tube-fed grandparents.
Ingredients
8 magpies
2 yellow onions, peeled & quartered
4 cups moonshine
2 Tbsp. dried huckleberries
2 Tbsp. salt
1 1/2 Tbsp. pepper
2 oranges, thinly sliced
1 cup fresh parsley
1 cup fresh sage
1 cup fresh thyme
Instructions
Defeather each magpie and place 1/3 of total feathers in a large mixing bowl with burning hot water, and set off to the side. Remove all necks and giblets, dropping them in a large bowl of cold water and putting those off to the side. Place the eight magpies breast-down in a large roasting pan with 3 cups of moonshine, onions, and oranges. Mix all dry ingredients in a bowl and massage into each bird for a half-hour. While everything in the pan is marinating, chop the giblets into tiny pieces and whisk in a saucepan with moonshine, beer, and a handful of flour until gravy forms. Drain the magpie feathers and toss them with salt and pepper. Baste the gravy into the magpies until each one is drenched. Cover and place in oven at 350 degrees for two hours. Garnish with the salted iridescent feathers; serve with huckleberry sauce and moonshine.
If you dig the Dirty Bird, keep your eyes peeled for our Deer-Mice Dumpling recipe for Christmas dinner.
Outside Bozeman is not responsible for illness or injury sustained from consuming magpie, nor medical costs from the resultant intestinal worms, nor psychological suffering from the revolted, impulsive insults of unsuspecting dinner guests.
