Pillory: Careless Crappers

Calling out the worst among us.

Sometimes nature calls at unsuspecting moments. Say, when you reach the base of a climb and gaze up into a daunting and uncertain vertical future. Or when scouting a nasty rapid that’s way bigger than expected. It may even come on a casual hike, when that chorizo-and-hot-salsa breakfast burrito starts assaulting your digestive system. These sorts of situations can cause bodily urges to deploy suddenly, with no time to seek out a proper receptacle. And believe us, we get it. But for God’s sake, people, deposit and dispose properly!

Just because you need to evacuate your bowels at an unexpected time and place does not grant you immunity from cleaning up after yourself. You’re an adult, for crying out loud, and knowing how to deal with a dump outdoors is common knowledge—not to mention common courtesy. Think of it as your back yard. If you had no other place to go, would you drop a deuce and just leave it? What we’re talking about here are trailheads, climbing crags, river pull-outs, and the like—in other words, everyone’s back yard.

In a civilized society, no one should have to dodge human excrement, not to mention unburied toilet paper. Unless you have a sub-70 IQ, are racing to save your unborn child’s life, or are from North Dakota, you have no excuse. Dig a hole and bury it. Period. As well as your toilet paper. Better yet, pack it out—you had the wherewithal to bring TP, so pack along a Ziploc, too. We’re all in this together, folks, and we must all uphold our civic duty as responsible, considerate, semi-literate outdoor recreationists.

Remember the Golden Rule? How would you feel if someone pinched a loaf and left a pile of sullied tissue next to your campsite? At your favorite fishing hole? Or anywhere else you go to enjoy nature, not the foul smell and repellent sight of human feces.

In the end, all it takes is not being a lazy, ignorant, self-serving douchebag. Heck, even if it came on too fast and you have to take care of things after the fact, it’s not difficult. Don’t have a shovel? Use a rock. Can’t find a rock? Use a stick. If you can’t find a stick, you’re looking for excuses.

So, all of you surface shitters out there, consider yourselves warned. Pick up after yourselves or pay the price. To the pillory!