Green Acres

johnny bozeman, letters to the editor,

High times with Johnny Bozeman.

By now, you’ve heard the news: marijuana, at long last, is legal in Big Sky Country. Just this year, a blunt-load of readers have written in with questions pertaining to how this new recreational activity is going to fit with their outdoor lifestyle. Now, we realize smokin’ pot is a touchy subject, but if there’s anyone who can solicit proper and responsible advice, it’s our man Johnny Bozeman. JB, take it away.

Q. Johno, what’s the deal with all the climbing bums around town this spring? They’re crawling all over the gym and stinking the place up. I even caught one sleeping on a bouldering mat in the parking lot. How do I get away from them?
JB. Listen son, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. This time of year, these dudes are typically on their annual “climbing” pilgrimage to Utah to go trip on acid. No longer. This year, they’re staying local to burn down on High-a-Light Hash. Grown in the Spire basement and hand-trimmed by the MSU climbing team, this strain is popular amongst Alex Honnold fanboys. If you can get your calloused fingers on a bag of this stuff, you’ll be setting Mountain Project records on way-too-high mountain peaks in a matter of days. Or sporting a do-rag and binge-watching bouldering videos in a dark, smoky room. Only time will tell.

Q. Yo J-Money, I was like skiing during closing weekend at like Bridger last year, and the snow was like epic! But dude, like everyone on the lift was like way stoned, man. Like, what am I missing out on, bro?
JB. Sure they were the ones who were stoned? If my Google Translate app is working, then you’re asking where to get your hands on a bag of Bridger Hot-Smoke. The liftie on Slushman’s has been handing it out for years, but don’t expect a free lunch. Bring something to sweeten up the deal: a sixer of PBR tall-boys and a bag of Sour Patch Kids to satiate the munchies is standard practice. Say goodbye to the days of Cold Smoke.

Q. Johnny Boy, I’ve been running around the woods for years, but can’t seem to shoot an elk. I even got a new pair of hunting boots because the billboards on I-90 claimed they would help me shoot big bulls. What am I doing wrong?
JB. Well, friend, let me be the first to tell you that elk season isn’t until fall. When the time does come, slow down and relax. All these young bucks are ogling over YouTube hunting influencers and think they need to hike farther, hunt harder, and wear more First Lite than everyone on the mountain. Truth of it is, you might see more animals if you sit down in one place for the day. A few puffs of Blazed Orange will take the edge off. Just be sure to get your wind right.

Q. Jonathan, I borrowed a friend’s kayak last weekend and a bag of weed fell out as I was strapping it to the roof of my Tacoma. What should I do?
A. You’d better find some joint paper and start rolling, ‘cause what you found is Tropical Chunder—the holy grail of marijuana. Rumor has is that these powerful plants are grown in the rocky rip-rap of Gallatin Canyon, carefully pruned with an NRS rescue knife, and fermented in the bow of a kayak for three weeks. Unless you can run House Rock at flood stage, I’d recommend leaving this one to the pros. I can take it off your hands.