Wheeling Dervish

A guide to outdoor hipsters, part four.

This guy... he’s back for a final lap through the Bozone. Look for him on his bike, adjusting his kneepads and admiring his viper sunglasses from the camera of his cellphone. How to know for sure it’s him? When out on the trails, or even around town, the mountain-biking hipster:

Rides the latest and greatest new bike—nothing under $5,000 retail or 150mm of rear travel, even if he’s just learning to ride.

Emerges from his house wearing more armor than Tony Stark wore coming out of that cave in Afghanistan. Due to the excessive equipment, he takes pride in being the only outdoor recreationist to be susceptible to rickets.

Ends every Instagram post with #armorista.

Rides with a “posse,” and said posse always has a minimum of three bikes in the back of a pickup, their front wheels draped symmetrical and beautiful over the tailgate.

Justifies a full-face helmet, even on bike paths, as greaseless sunblock with the SPF of a Butte mine shaft.

Dons a matching spandex kit that announces him as a member of the Trek Factory Racing Team. Neglects to tell anyone that it was a hand-me-down from the person actually on the racing team. Everyone comes to this conclusion on their own when he sucks wind the whole ride.

Shows off his tattoos, which he views as a bike accessory.

Spends evenings pairing wines with Clif Bars.

Sets up a sick Sprinter spread on Saturday nights at Copper.

Only rides on weekends, but keeps his bike in the rack all week.

In the off-season, stores his bikes in the living room, telling guests, “Yeah, I set up my pad at Bed, Bath & Bike.”

Berates those who use flat pedals. “Clipless is the only way to ride, bro, so much more feel and control when you’re in the flow.” Proceeds to crash with both feet clipped in. Can then be seen showing off his “battle wounds” at the brewery while tap-dancing around in his bike shoes.

Claims to only use tubeless tires, but his lack of expertise with them is dubious given the number of pinecones and sticks decoupaged to the frame of his bike from the improper use of tire sealant. Often needs to borrow a tube when he blows a tire.

Walks his bike up the Leverich downhill. “Just not used to that extra weight from the tubed tire, man.”

Holds the Strava record for fastest time on Peets Hill.

Lists “stopped for hikers… again!” in the notes next to his Strava time.

Expresses disdain for electric bikes by repeatedly telling anyone who will listen, “At least when I need a bike repair, I don’t take have to take it to an electrician.”

Forever amuses himself, and only himself, by repeatedly asking hybrid mountain-bike owners, “Does your hybrid come equipped with a front-suspension spork?”

Often admonishes inferior riders, “If you’re not falling, you’re not trying.”

Often explains to superior riders, “Walk today, ride tomorrow.”

Went to Moab last week.