Go Ahead, Make My Day

I am your local bicycle mechanic: fueled by caffeine, lovingly grumpy, adorably retro, and acceptably surly. I live and breathe the pedal-powered machines, treating each with the respect that a machine of freedom deserves. But I've decided that there are some things you need to know about me, lest you come into my shop and freak out (or worse, annoy me).

First off, I will berate you. You deserve it. You left your bike outside over the winter? You're an idiot. You bring your pile of crap and want it back tomorrow for less than $20? Sure, when you bring me a bottle of Patrón, I may consider it.

I am the missing link in exceptional customer service: true honesty. And thanks to the acceptably weird nature of bike shops, I have a job that lets me be an acceptable level of asshole. Trust me, you need it. Especially if you came from California in the last 10 years.

Oh, you are rich and important? You just got moved to the back of the line. Your imagined status in life doesn't matter to me. Your belief that you need something faster than anyone else? Yeah, don't care.

Would you like to buy a new bike today? Sure, I can help you with that. New bikes are fun! Do you want to ride the pathways, the concrete, or the "sweet" single-track? Great. I can get you on a bike, I can give you tips on where to ride, and I can help you get prepared and excited to use this new tool of wonder. Just don't ask me for a bike that does all three. Or I may equally ask you to provide three swimsuit models to blow me. It’s not gonna happen. It’s like asking for a toaster that can also make you coffee and fry an egg at the same time. Or the swimsuit models. Oh, sweet imagery.

There are not a lot of us left. We are slowly being replaced by happy little 20-something metrosexuals who always answer with the word "yes." Someday I will slap one of them, I promise. However, it is only me, the tried-and-true bicycle freak show that will honestly help you find the freedom of two wheels.

Bring me your problems and I will cure them. You need to feel the freedom again, and that bicycle has just been sitting in the garage for too long. It needs some love, which I can provide, and then it will take you to great places. Just don't ask me for a hug.

Your local shop rat

Local Shop Rat is an actual shop rat in Bozeman. We'll let you speculate on who he or she is.