To Bin or Not to Bin
A formula for proper dog-doo disposal.
You’re two miles from home and Bridger drops a bag-filling load of stink after over-indulging on a carcass the day before. The bag is bursting at the seams, and swinging it to-and-fro during the rest of your run will test the limits of the cheap, heat-welded seals. There are plenty of trash bins between you and home, but do you relieve yourself of the bag, or save it for the garbage can at home? That is the question—one that requires discretion and judgement to answer. Knowing how bad some folks in Bozeman are with those two skills, we’ve developed a handy equation to help decide when it’s okay to use your neighbor’s can. Just remember the acronym: TURD.
Don’t be surprised if a shotgun-wielding vigilante steps onto the porch and makes a threat.
T = Temperature
Everyone knows the higher the temperature, the more that bag is going stink, especially when compounded with the enclosed space of a garbage bin. Determine the air temperature (T) in degrees Celsius—yes, Celsius, because when it’s below freezing T will be a negative number.
U = Urgency
Urgency is a measure between 0 and 5 of how important it is to dispose of that bag as soon as possible. Are you one block from a dog park where there are plenty of waste-disposal bins? That’s an urgency of 0. In the middle of the scale, an urgency of 3 might be something like running a personal best time, and that swinging bag is about to burst if you don’t get rid of it soon. A 5 is a true emergency, requiring immediate disposal (perhaps you and your service dog are heading into the hospital to visit sick children and can’t bring the bag with you.). Don’t overestimate the urgency of your situation, because really, how hard is it to carry a bag home?
R = Risk
Risk is the most important factor in determining the fate of the bag. Risk is a value from 1-5 to estimate how angry the owner of a garbage bin would be if he or she saw you drop in a sneaky present. A 0 might be due to a pre-arranged agreement with a neighbor, whereas a 5 might be a sign in the yard reading, “The last dog that peed on my peonies lies beneath this sign.”
D = Days until garbage pickup
D is a measure of how long the stink is going to fester, measured in days. Most garbage is picked up weekly, so if you’re in a part of town where you don’t know the garbage schedule, assume a D value of 7. On the other hand, if all the garbage bins are out (and still full) you can use a D value of 1. If you’re in your own neighborhood, you probably know how long it is until pickup.
The Equation
Once you’ve assigned values to T, U, R, and D, plug them into the following equation to get a score that weighs all the factors against each other:
Score = (
Interpretation
Below 0: Cleary there’s an emergency, or it’s very cold out. Go ahead and unburden yourself by finding the nearest, low-risk bin.
0-8: It’s your lucky day! Go ahead and use that trash can; but if there’s any doubt your judgement is off about any of the factors above, especially R, proceed with caution.
8-16: You may not hurt anybody by disposing of your poop bag in a neighbor’s can, but really, how hard is it to carry the bag an extra couple of blocks home?
17-24: It’d be flat-out rude to pass your stink onto someone else. Not only that, but you might also face repercussions if caught in the act. Proceed with caution.
Over 25: You’re taking life into your own hands. Don’t be surprised if a shotgun-wielding vigilante steps onto the porch and makes a threat.
