Bozeman Trick-or-Treating

Halloween is that wonderful day of the year when it's okay to dress up like a jackass and then bang on strangers' doors like cops on a meth bust. We like to do that on weekends over at the senior center, but because Halloween's on a Saturday this year, we may blow that off and go trick-or-treating instead. But we're not going just anywhere in town, and neither should you. Here's how to optimize your sugary spoils October 31.

First, Hit Up the Richies on the South Side
This is the oldest trick in the book. Head over to Triple Tree, South Willson, and Sundance Springs to get at the full-size candy bars, "real" packages of M&Ms, and people who don't care how much of their candy bowls you shove down your gullet. They own the candy company.

Avoid the Hippie Neighborhoods
Unless you enjoy eating gluten-free treats, don't go anywhere near the Co-op or houses that have Tibetan prayer flags in front. You’re likely to get an organic cookie, a vegan bar, or if you're lucky, a piece of tofu pumpkin pie.

For "Diet" Candy, Go North
Downtown and north of downtown are notorious for having an athletic crowd that will spread the news of diet and exercise by handing out Power Bars and energy drinks. It's hard work trick-or-treating, and you must remember to stay hydrated.

Head to the University, But Only When You're Ready to Drink
All you'll probably get is Keystone Light, since that's about all poor college students can afford. Unfortunately, this is all contingent on how willing they are to give up their hard-earned 42-cent beverage of choice.

Drive Out to the Sprawl If You're Feeling Risky
Last but not least, if you're really daring, head west, where you will encounter endless fields of identical houses all handing out the same candy from Costco. Have fun!