Field Dressed
A guide to outdoor hipsters, part one.
As the seasons change, so do the outdoor activities that come with them. Each one brings with it a unique band of fanatics—people who talk, dress, and act as if their entire lives revolve around that one specific thing. And they want you to know about it. To help you identify these colorless characters from one season to the next, we’ve started a field guide to trendy outdoor types. This fall, watch out for one of Bozeman’s proudest: the haute hunter. To identify him (it’s generally a dude, although some ladies are starting to confuse hunting and fashion, too), look for the following:
-Only hunts elk. Bull elk. Trophy bull elk. With a bow. Anything else is beneath him.
-Dresses in matching camo: same manufacturer, same pattern. Outfit runs from head to toe, including hat, gloves, gaiters, facemask, and, in extreme cases, underwear. Calls it a “camo system.”
-Said system is top-tier and tacti-cool: Kuiu, Kryptek, First Lite.
-Dons entire uniform before leaving house; gets coffee and gasses up in full stealth mode.
-Grows a beard specifically for hunting season, grooming it daily.
-While stroking his impeccable beard, and still in full camo, regales anyone who will listen with tales of the hunt. Leitmotif is “the call of the wild.”
-Routinely declares that “hunting is conservation,” especially at conservation pint nights.
-Carries three different devices for determining wind direction.
-Carries three different optics at all times: rangefinder, binos, spotting scope.
-Carries fancy backpack that holds his bow, so he can keep his hands free for selfies.
-Has multiple Yeti coolers. Regularly mentions his pro discount and impending sponsorship deal.
-Is a member of a local CrossFit-type gym, where he spends more time “training for the hunt” than actually hunting.
-Uses the word “harvest” more than an organic farmer: “I really wanted to harvest that bull, but he slipped away from me. He was way bigger than the one I harvested last year. Did you harvest anything yet?”
-Constantly refers to bull elk by antler score. E.g., “A 350 bull stepped right out in front of me. It was a nice elk, but I haven’t harvested anything under 375 in years.”
-Refers to jerky and water as his “protein and hydration plan.”
-Shoots elk at 80 yards with his $1,500 compound bow and talks about how “primal” the experience is.
-Adds #SickForIt in every Instagram post about hunting, which is all of them.
