Celestial Slacks
The stars and pants align.
As our crags begin to thaw out, climbers will shed a few puffy layers in preparation for their spring rock projects—their native climbing pants accompanying them in both successes and failures. Since the alignment of the planets isn’t a reliable source to forecast adventures, we turned to these celestial slacks for this season’s climbing horoscopes.
Spandex Tights
This will be a colorful and bright season filled with exposure—not just of beautiful rock buttresses, but of your privy parts as well. Expect an enjoyable but fragile time, where you should probably avoid real rocks, dirt, and Velcro.
Denim Jeans
Just like your pants, this season will be familiar and solid. Expect an opportunity to show off how strong and stylish you are—but how can you do that without heel-hooks or figure-fours? Alas, that durable denim will slow you down, restricting you from reaching your full potential.
Carhartts
After some unsuccessful red-points on difficult sport climbs and too many flaky climbing partners, you will embrace free-soloing as your main climbing discipline. But keep in mind as you rise to great heights—you are not as indestructible as your pants.
Short-Shorts
You may open a portal to embody legends—Royal Robbins pioneering big-wall climbing, Lynn Hill making a first ascent of the Nose on El Cap, Wim Hof climbing Everest—or you may just have an embarrassing day at Spire. Embrace your freedom, but keep in mind your vulnerability to the elements and others watching from below.
Corduroy Pants
You are a practical and durable climber who can display flexibility when cruxes manifest. Your understanding of comfort will allow you to thrive on cooler days, climbing multi-pitch routes or meeting for coffee dates.
The Newest Climbing-Specific Knickers
You are a strong boulderer or sponsored climber who wants to be protected from scratches, abrasions, and embarrassing fashion trends. Your gusseted crotch reveals you can handle most of the difficult movements on your projects. Take this opportunity to climb your hardest; even if you do wreck your pants during your first outing of the season, duct tape is always available to turn your blemishes into dirtbag perfection.
Nothing
You are a cutting-edge climber who will have a painful season due to harness-chafing and constant exposure to sharp rocks, solar radiation, harsh winds, late-season snow, judgemental stares, and uncontrollable laughter. The celestial alignment will cause other climbers to hesitate when you ask for a belay.
