Splish Splash
How to identify paddlers in the wild.
Despite how they appear—with unshaved faces and legs, and alcohol on their breaths—not all boaters are cut from the same cloth. Sure, there are some commonalities, but beyond their shared love of the river, there’s not much tying this disparate group together. It helps to break ’em down to figure out what exactly makes these folks tick. We’ve identified the most common river-rat groups, organized by watercraft, that you’re likely to run into near Bozeman. Keep an eye out for them around town this spring.
Inflatable Kayaker
Favorite float: East Gallatin
Catchphrase: “It’s not that far of a hike”
Essential cargo: Dog
Housing setup: Couple’s guest room in exchange for house projects
Profession: Remote tech worker
Romantic situation: Open and looking
Beverage: IPA
Vice: Online shopping
Transportation: SUV with roof box
Driftboater
Favorite float: Upper Madison
Catchphrase: “River’s way too crowded these days”
Essential cargo: Work cell phone
Housing setup: Triple Tree mansion
Profession: Real estate
Romantic situation: Six months into third marriage
Beverage: N/A beer
Vice: Gambling (sports betting)
Transportation: Chevy Suburban
Rafter
Favorite float: Yankee Jim Canyon
Catchphrase: “Rig to flip”
Essential cargo: Speaker
Housing setup: Rental in south Bozeman
Profession: Funemployed
Romantic situation: Undefined situationship with former co-worker
Beverage: Pacifico
Vice: Mooching off welfare
Transportation: Toyota Tacoma
Canoeist
Favorite float: Missouri Breaks
Catchphrase: “You know what I think?”
Essential cargo: Bowie knife
Housing setup: Owns house behind pot shop
Profession: Editor
Romantic situation: Long-term “woman” or “gal”
Beverage: Whiskey ditch
Vice: Temper
Transportation: 2005 Chevy Pickup
Whitewater Kayaker
Favorite float: Mad Mile
Catchphrase: “Just boof it!”
Essential cargo: Spliff kit
Housing setup: Friend’s couch
Profession: Sells solar panels & helps with “odd jobs”
Romantic situation: Short-term relationship
Beverage: PBR booty beer
Vice: Infidelity
Transportation: Subaru Crosstrek
Tire Tuber
Favorite float: Lower Madison
Catchphrase: “Toss me another”
Essential cargo: Beer bong
Housing setup: Owns townhouse in suburbia
Profession: Marketing
Romantic situation: Active on Tinder
Beverage: White Claw
Vice: Drunk driving
Transportation: Raft-company shuttle
Surfer
Favorite float: Can’t say
Catchphrase: “Don’t tell anyone”
Essential cargo: Sex wax
Housing setup: Van parked by river
Profession: “Freelance” filmmaker
Romantic situation: Polyamorous
Beverage: Kona Big Wave
Vice: Dairy
Transportation: Bike or aforementioned van, when working
