“Dude, I had brutal chainsuck on that compound disappearing hill and had to dab twice. Then I did a little crotch testing over the stump—wang chung in a big way. Did you pass that brand whore roadie on the tar?”
Say what? Is that even English? If cycle-talk has you spinning (pun intended), read on for a crash course in common bike lingo.
Brand Whore—A rider who will only buy brand-name high-end parts. In Montana, this might also describe a cowboy who works indiscriminately for any ranch that pays.
Chainsuck—Condition when the bike chain gets jammed between the frame and the chain rings. And a term commonly used in swinger society to describe... well, nevermind.
Compound Disappearing Hill—A hill where no matter how long you climb, it seems that you're never more than halfway up. Also: Montana.
Crotch Testing—Sudden impact between a male rider's junk and a handlebar stem or seat. And a euphemism for college dating.
Dab—To put a foot down in order to catch your balance. In cooking, somewhere between a pinch, smidgen, dash, and dollop.
Double-Butted—Tubing, commonly used in bike frames, that is thicker on both ends than in the middle. Also a serious proctological issue, often mirrored at the other end of the body with a "double chinned" condition.
Endo—The maneuver of flying unexpectedly over the handlebars. And redneck Spanish for “The End.”
Flathead Calves—Toned, fatless legs, or immature cattle near Kalispell, Montana.
Freeriding—A type of mountain biking, focused on downhill riding, that centers around creativity, speed, amplitude, and control using full-suspension engineering marvels. Ironically, it requires virtually the most expensive equipment possible and is therefore not "free" at all.
Furry Frisbee—Roadkill. Also describes any small California lap dog that happens to wander into the path of a Bozeman malamute, husky, or German shepherd.
Granny Gear—The lowest gear available on a bike. Over-the-glasses sunglasses, costume jewelry, Depends, and revolting lavender-scented perfume are also granny gear.
Lycra—A tight, stretchy, shiny (shimmery, even) fabric used exclusively in cycling clothing, LGBT marches, Olivia Newton John videos, and high-school theater productions.
Nosepickium—The crusties you pick from your nose after a dusty ride. Also a trendy “organic” remedy for hemorrhoids, gout, and herpes favored by wealthy, bored hipsters. They are the same product.
Pump the Big Meat—Pedal in a high gear. That’s it. That’s all. What, did you think I was going to be inappropriate and immature? (Ok fine—I was, but it got edited out. Hope you’re happy…)
Roadie—A rider who prefers paved surfaces. Alternatively defined as a rider who can’t hack it off-road and/or has a narcissistic spandex fetish.
Tar Surfing—Crashing on tarmac. Or surfing in the Gulf of Mexico post-BP.
Unobtanium—Describes a bike or accessory made from expensive, high-tech material. Also, an attractive girlfriend who skis, bikes, climbs, and isn’t crazy.
Wang Chung—Hitting your crotch hard on your stem (See “Crotch Testing”). Also an ancient and deadly Eastern martial art with pivotal focus on the destruction of an enemy’s genitals.