Rules for Entering Montana

Rules for Entering Montana

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Welcome to the Last Old West.

1. Pull up your droopy pants. You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." No matter how slowly you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are horses, cattle, saw mills, coal plants, and oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like jobs and a fine way of life to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-90 and I-94 go east and west; I-15 goes north and south. Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000-dollar car. We're impressed. We have quarter-million-dollar, air-conditioned tractors that we drive three weeks a year.

5. So every person, in every pickup truck, waves. It's called being friendly, try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a flock of geese is coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it held up to your ear.

7. Yeah, we eat geese, trout, deer, elk, and antelope. You think it tastes “gamey”? Order some gluten-free rice cakes off the internet.

8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of big-game season. It's a religious holiday, held the next-to-last Sunday in October.

9. In Montana, it is not trendy and is considered very, very unsafe to criticize the USA. God bless John Wayne, Elvis Presley, Audey Murphy, Cary Grant, Charlton Heston, and Jimmy Stewart; but the rest of Hollywood is not welcome here.

10. No, there is not a "vegetarian special" on the menu. Eat steak or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, potatoes, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Alpine Touch.

12. If your dog weighs less than the average rabbit, do not be surprised if we shoot it. We can’t be expected to recognize such subtle distinctions. Get a real dog and you’ll have nothing to worry about.

13. P.S. Grizzlies are eagerly encouraged to eat out-of-staters.

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