Believe it or not, there are actually people in Bozeman who get genuinely upset when faced with a couple feet of fresh snow. Instead of greedily eyeing the Bridgers or the Gallatin Range, dreaming of powder turns and face shots, the rare nonskier loathes this fluffy white crap that clogs the streets and turns his skiing friends into strangers. So even though most of us are on the slopes, we can only imagine what an average day in the life of those mythical nonskiers looks like. Here’s a glimpse.
6:30 am: Wake up, look outside, and bitch about the several feet of fresh snow.
6:50 am: Shower. Sob gently.
7:23 am: Scrape off windshield while bitching about the snow some more.
7:25 am: Take face-shot from overladen tree branch; bitch while shaking snow off head and shoulders.
7:29 am: Get cold feet due to snow in loafers.
7:31 am: Shiver inside freezing car, bitch about heater taking too long to warm up.
7:35 am: Get car stuck in driveway. Call friend with pickup to get unstuck.
8:28 am: Show up for work late. Get yelled at by boss, even though most coworkers have inexplicably called in sick.
12:02 pm: Slip and fall on ice on way to lunch.
12:57 pm: Tear rotator cuff trying to peg co-worker with snowball while returning from lunch. Writhe in pain.
5:04 pm: Return to car to find mirror demolished by snowplow and car buried. Swear loudly.
5:09 pm: Purchase shovel from hardware store across street to extricate car.
5:42 pm: Get home to discover spouse’s car was rear-ended by vehicle sliding on ice.
5:55 pm: Sit down to watch the news, only to find the satellite dish covered in snow and receptionless.
6:08 pm: Slip and fall off ladder trying to clean satellite dish. Bitch about “damn ice and snow.”
6:26 pm: Burn mouth on hot chocolate that spouse made to improve morale after falling off ladder.
7:13 pm: Hear impact as neighbor kid throws snowball at front window.
8:01 pm: Kick over neighbor kid’s snowman. Slip on ice again.
8:50 pm: Check weather forecast and discover that next day calls for more snow. Drink bourbon. Bitch about “frozen, God-forsaken wasteland of Montana.” Plan move to Mexico.
10:05 pm: Climb into bed, shiver under covers. Sob gently.
Illustrations by Colton Davies
- O/B Store