Field Guide to Bozemanites

O/B’s rundown of bipedal fauna.

Like the Serengeti’s wide range of wildlife, southwest Montana is rife with diverse species of Bozemanites. They migrate here from places far and near to enjoy the fruits of the Gallatin Valley. And just like on the savannah, they tend to congregate by species. Some breeds are quite similar (moreso than even they would admit) and some are polar opposites. This field guide is one way to identify (with) your neighbors and friends. Just like other wild species, some are easy to detect given their garish displays and obnoxious calls. Others are more difficult to spot, silently camouflaging themselves in the town fabric. Some haven’t even been discovered yet. But for all our differences, there’s one common trait that outweighs all others: we’re all Bozemanites. And that’s really all that matters.

The Trustafarian

Giveaways:

—Says he/she is "taking some time to find myself"

—Hates things that are "so mainstream" or "corporate"

—Is "stoked" about going to Argentina this summer to ski and "live the dream"

Turn-ons: Protests, listening to reggae in first-class cabin, J. Crew—but only if it's organic cotton.

Preferred Subaru model: 2010 Outback L.L. Bean edition

The Dirtbag

Giveaways:

—Hairy

—Lives in car for part or all of year

—Refuses to have same job for more than six months

—Has friends named "Shredder," "Ice Man," or "Gobi"

Turn-ons: Free ski day, the free gear bin at Second Wind Sports, hacky sacks, pointless road trips, dogs without collars

Preferred Subaru model: 1998 Legacy with ski rack and off-color door

The Hippie Blight Dweller

Giveaways:

—Has two roommates and three dogs in an 800-square-foot house

—Has "Save It, Don't Pave It" or similar bumper sticker on 20-year-old car

—Can't decide whether to paint house lavender or orange

Turn-ons: The Co-op, the Pinhead Classic, yard art, city council meetings

Preferred Subaru model: 1986 GL Wagon

The SuperCommuter

Giveaways:

—Has home office but loiters with laptop in coffee shop all day

—Worries about what time it is on the East Coast

—Texts while hiking

—Wishes Bozeman had more office supply stores

Turn-ons: Cell service in national parks, Kinko's, free wi-fi

Preferred Subaru model: 2005 Impreza WRX

The Californicator

Giveaways:

—Talks about how he "cashed out" before he bought his ranch

—Knows one or more people on the Forbes 500 list

—Has decided to come here to make your life better

—Has no apparent source of income, but drives around all day, every day

Turn-ons: Sports cars, big box stores, granite countertops, manicures

Preferred Subaru model: Audi A4

The Angry Native

Giveaways:

—Is considering moving to Ennis because the traffic in Bozeman "is getting too crazy"

—Has "did you move here to be in a hurry?" bumper sticker

—Can trace lineage back to Lewis & Clark Corps of Discovery

—Uses the phrase "city slickers"

—Calls everybody who moved to Bozeman from elsewhere “Californians”

Turn-ons: Bamboo fly rods, building-permit restrictions, the end of tourist season

Preferred Subaru model: 1990s Ford pickup

If you've spotted any other species, be sure to tell us at [email protected] so we can keep the field guide updated.